The importance of being mentors

Guest blogger Joseph Pullen lives in New York City. He is a Director at GALEWiLL Design, a for-purpose company that designs social change programs, communications, advocacy and action. He’s also proud to be a mentor.

“Just wanted to tell u. Ur my favorite uncle. And thanx for everything u have done 4 me. All the weekends when I was little. All the movies. The bozo show. Some of my greatest childhood memories were becuz of u. So thanx for always being there.”

My nephew recently sent me this text message. Out of the blue. I was really touched by his note. Actually, shocked is more accurate. Usually his texts take the form of a request, or offering a bit of gossip about another family member. So this was a pleasant change.

But it got me thinking that maybe I’d unconsciously had some impact on his life – on his development, on who he’s become. Wow! For someone who’s not a parent (unless you count our incredibly cute, and very spoiled, dachshund), that’s a big pill to swallow. Suddenly I started tracking back in my mind. What might I have done differently as a mentor – or role model – had I approached it more purposefully? What could I have done better?

My nephew is no longer a child. In fact, he’s over 30 and he still seems to be searching for what inspires him, his path to happiness – his place in the world. I think about how Facebook founder, Mark Zuckerberg, gave a $100-million gift to the Newark, N.J., school system. He was 28. Of course, that sort of comparison would cloud anyone’s perspective, yet I can’t help but worry that my nephew’s a late-bloomer. But I remain hopeful about his prospects to realize his own dreams and to be a contributor to society in a way that fulfills him. I’ve definitely watched him mature these past couple of years. Still, I wonder if I could have had a greater impact. Could I have helped to speed up the process for him? The reality is, I might have been more deliberate about mentoring him had someone told me upfront what I was doing was indeed mentoring.

I began to reflect on the time I spent with my dad when I was younger. I was five when my parents divorced. But my dad continued to come for a weekly dinner until I graduated high school. We’d watch TV (he liked old reruns of “Gunsmoke” or movies like “Cool Hand Luke”). We’d play chess, which I didn’t much like. And he would talk to me – about his business, about religion, even about the Rockefeller family whom he admired for their philanthropy, such as funding universities (University of Chicago, Spelman College) and helping to create some of our National Parks (Yosemite, Grand Teton). Some Sundays we’d go to a movie, swimming, or out to dinner. Sometimes, at his place, he’d subject me to one of his fresh juice concoctions, like carrot and spinach. He called them “healthy.” I called them “nasty.” He would ask questions – about school, friends, issues of the day, and even about my mother (though they couldn’t live together, I understood they still had love for one another). Sometimes he took me to church. I know he believed in a Higher Power, but I realize now he didn’t necessarily believe in institutionalized religion. I think he was trying to give me the tools to one day decide my own set of beliefs.

I’d be lying if I said I had an appreciation for any of this when I was younger. Truth is, I found my dad to be an imposing figure and most times I would’ve preferred to be playing or hanging out with my friends.

My dad passed away in 2005. Over the years, we’d grown pretty close. In retrospect, I can’t imagine the time he spent with me as a boy didn’t help to shape who I am today – I believe, in a positive way.

Mentors are critical. I’d say they’re essential to the development of our youth, no matter their cultural or ethnic background. It’s taking them to a movie, a restaurant, a museum, or the park. It’s exposing them to new things and maybe even environments that they might not necessarily encounter in their everyday lives.

Mentoring doesn’t have to be elaborate. It can be as simple as playing Wii, Xbox, or watching TV together. It’s about having a presence in their lives, engaging them in conversation, and listening. It’s being the best person you can be while always bearing in mind that what you’re doing could very well help to mold the adult this young person will become.

I realize now that what I was doing for my nephew was exactly what my dad had done for me. Has the role I played in my nephew’s life made a difference? In some ways, I suppose it has. His text suggests I did something right.

Mentor spotlight: Charlotte from Generations Incorporated

This guest post was submitted by Generations Incorporated.

Charlotte Rose, a member of the Roxbury community, is an AARP Experience Corps volunteer member serving with Generations Incorporated. Nearly nine years ago and newly retired, she became involved as a reading volunteer at the Tobin Elementary School in Roxbury.  She learned that many young students were unable to read at grade level. She felt a strong sense to help.  These were children from her community and she now had time to help.  She received great training from Generations Incorporated and began her work with young struggling readers.

One of the first students that Ms. Rose met was Brianna, a first grader. Brianna really struggled with early reading skills.  She was also physically larger than her classmates.  Because of this, she suffered from low self-esteem.  Ms. Rose began working with Brianna, reading with her twice a week. After just a few reading sessions, things began to change.  Brianna looked forward to her time with Ms. Rose and her confidence grew more and more as each week went by. Her reading skills also improved, dramatically.  Ms. Rose worked with her throughout the school year, reading books together, using flashcards and other early literacy techniques, and providing lots of encouragement.  Over the months, they had developed a strong and meaningful mentoring relationship.  By the end of May, Brianna had made remarkable progress as a reader and felt more comfortable with herself and her abilities.  And it gave Ms. Rose great satisfaction and meaning to her life.

When asked why she serves, Ms. Rose said, “First, I like kids! And by serving I am investing in the children’s’ futures.  I want to help my community.”  She feels it is incredibly important work because as a community member, “You want young children to have a strong early foundation. Having caring community adults in their lives can help to build that foundation.”

Ms. Rose now manages a team of AARP Experience Corps volunteer members at the new Dudley Street Neighborhood Charter School in Roxbury.  Team members assist in kindergarten and first grade classrooms to help conduct literacy activities.  She says the program is off to a great start: “We feel very welcomed by the teachers and principal.  They couldn’t wait for us to start!”

 If you would like to become part of this literacy work and can commit a few hours a week to help young children, please contact Katie Klister at 617-399-4700 or kklister@generationsinc.org.

I believe in mentoring

This guest post is written by Roxanne Hoke-Chandler, who is the proud mother of two girls. She is a graduate of Lesley University and has been working for the Federation for Children with Special Needs for 10 years.

Four years ago, I signed my daughter up to have a Big Sister. It was important to me that she see life through someone else’s eyes, who had similar values and aspirations. I asked for a mentor who I thought could help expose and support my theme of education, community and self-worth to my daughter. Sometimes it is helpful for children to experience and learn things from people other than their parents, and we cannot solely rely on teachers – they have their hands full.

As her parent, I wanted more for her. I wanted her to have experiences and good times separate from her sibling who has significant special needs. I wanted and needed help nurturing her own identity. I needed a mentor for her.

When I asked her what type of mentor she wanted, she said “someone younger than you, mom.” I understood that statement. She did not want another mother. Then she said she wanted someone who looked like her. Truthfully, I was grateful she saw the value in that. We have plenty of positive people in our lives that do not resemble our heritage. If she was to bond with this Big Sister, it was really important to me that she was a woman of color.

A year after I made the request, on her 9^th birthday we got the call that a match was found. I was ecstatic for the match, but often wonder how many more children are waiting. I serve as a mentor for youth in my church, and remind young woman to give back and volunteer so that other children will not have to wait so long.

I am grateful to the Big Sister Association of Greater Boston and our Big Sister for being a part of our lives. I encourage other women of color to become mentors and to impact the lives of young children in their community.

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Ebony-Joy Chandler is in 7^th grade at Mother Caroline Academy. Her favorite classes are English and literature. She enjoys babysitting and tries not to spend too much time on the internet unless it’s for school work.

This December, my Big Sister and I will officially have been paired  for four years. I remember when I first found out that we were paired up with each other. It was my 9th birthday when I got a call from the Big Sister Association of Greater Boston. These last four years I’ve  shared have been a roller coaster. We’ve done everything from an intense game of laser tag to simply going to a library to play card games.

Every time I go out with her, I never really know what to expect from her. My Big Sister always finds a way for me to have fun. I think that’s because she has a son. He’s a couple of years younger than me but when we do get to go out together we always have fun. I think that my Big Sister might be so fun because of her son. Because she already has a young child, she knows what children will like. And because I am older than her child, she also gets a picture of what kinds of things he will like when he gets older.

I’ve had so much fun with my Big Sister. I don’t know what I would have done if I didn’t have her in my life. I would forever be at home with nothing to do. I would have never been to a Red Sox game. She has made an impact in my life and I will always be grateful. She helped me make my childhood complete. She taught and showed me things that I didn’t even know were possible. She just ended up changing me in the best way. I love her and wouldn’t trade her for the world.

Why I am a mentor – the truth!

This guest post is written by Lesley White-Buefort, who serves on the Diversity Council of Big Sister Association of Greater Boston

I have a confession to make. I became a mentor as a way to meet people in my new community when I left Bermuda to take a job in Connecticut. My entrée into mentoring was completely selfish. That was around the spring of 2002. Since then, I have been a mentor, one-on-one to young ladies who were court mandated into programs, and young ladies who simply wanted a buddy, confidante or sister of their own. I have also been a mentor in a group setting, teaching basic baking skills to young ladies in a residential treatment center. As selfish as my reasons for becoming a mentor were, I feel like I get more from the young ladies than I give them. To me, mentoring is so very rewarding.

In 2004, I signed up with Big Sister Association of Greater Boston and became a Big Sister to a 14-year-old young lady from Dorchester – a match that lasted, in Big Sister’s files, until she turned 20. I chose Big Sister out of the many mentoring organizations in Boston for one reason: I believe that our girls are special and deserve programming specifically for them. I liked the fact that Big Sister’s focus was solely on girls.

Since I began mentoring, I have learned a few things about myself but more importantly, I’ve learned a few things about the importance of mentors in communities of color. Whether you are aware of it or not, there was no doubt someone in your past, or present that has had a hand in helping you to get where you are today – be it at work, socially, or in an educational setting. I believe that all of us who are able owe it to society to pay it forward.

Young women of color today face challenges in all aspects of their lives. The images they see in the media serve only to reduce their self-esteem. They are faced with bullying, which used to mean someone “picked on” someone else in the schoolyard. However, with today’s advancements in technology, young women, and young men for that matter, face bullying via electronics – a post on a Facebook page or Twitter feed takes that bullying to greater heights. Bullying that was once limited to the schoolyard and maybe the block now has the power to spread across the country. YouTube and other such websites have made it possible for young people to broadcast fights which unfortunately rack up thousands if not millions of hits in a matter of hours.

Studies have shown that young girls with mentors are less likely to be the victim or aggressor of bullying. Girls with mentors are less likely to get pregnant. They are more likely to graduate from high school and move on to college. Girls with mentors are less likely to join a gang or use drugs. Girls with mentors are more likely to become involved themselves in some form of community service.

Rather than volunteer as a mentor, I now sit on the Diversity Council of Big Sister Association of Greater Boston – our mission is to increase the number of women of color in the Greater Boston area. You do not need to be a lawyer, doctor or high-earning executive to be a mentor. You simply have to have the desire to help a young girl grow to her fullest potential. To paraphrase Aibileen Clarke in Kathryn Stockett’s “The Help,” each young girl DESERVES to grow up believing that she is kind, smart and important.

We become so that others become…

This guest post is written by Tameka B. Moss, director at Next Street Talent, for Women’s History Month

Though impossible to list the countless elements of my life for which I am profoundly grateful, there is one theme that has been a consistent thread in my life. I’ve had access to leaders, elders, teachers, and champions who at critical inflection points of my journey have paused to watch, heed, and nurture my mind and my soul. As I reflect on why I, a woman born into a set of circumstances that often derail and crush a young person’s potential and future, get to wake everyday bursting with joy for the life I get to live, all I can do is bow my head in humble appreciation for those who took the time to give, to pour into me.

For example: as I began my sophomore year at Boston Latin School, I realized that though I needed the money from an afterschool job, I wanted an experience that would expose me to business and potentially transferable skills. I began my search in a place where I had received truth, guidance and unconditional love—my small church, Zion FBH. Several of my older female members offered assistance, but my pastor’s daughter, Ro-Adrienne responded immediately. She read the letter I so earnestly had typed asking for their support (of course, I thought if it was typed, they’d be assured of my sincerity and maturity!) and told me on the spot that I had a job! Umm…but I didn’t know where she worked or what the job would entail, yet I was so grateful (and a little scared!).

What began as a simple 10-hour a week stint turned into the most influential mentoring relationship that fostered my growth as a woman of faith, an ambitious professional, a devoted daughter and sister, and a socially conscious African-American who believes that community and connection are the backbone of our heritage (and the component of our modern time that is rapidly crumbling).

Ro Davidson, godmother, teacher, friend, confidante, champion, Pastor — her titles and nicknames are not sufficient to encapsulate all she has been to me…and continues to be. Growing up, I was shy, hungry for knowledge, and more comfortable around books than people. My mother will tell you that I’d cry if strangers spoke to me when I was a toddler. The point: I always felt like the ‘odd duckling’ even within a family and church brimming with cousins, pals, playmates and nurturing hands. By my early teens I had resigned myself to believing there was no one who saw life in the patterns I did, that my cadence would always be “offbeat” compared to others. Not with Ro—she gets me. And because she does, she is able to give me sage, direct advice and feedback — always customized to who I am and my needs but grounded in practical experience.

Ro coached me through college applications and choosing where to matriculate (without listening to everyone else’s opinion of what was best for me). She never weighed in, just supported me in listening to my own voice, learning to stand on my own, and choose my life’s course. When I decided: she nodded in approval and said, “Great. This is the [school] you are most excited about, and I’m glad you are choosing you.”

Every major life decision, professional inflection point, personal crisis — she has stood by me. Leading by example, she has been for me what so few children in our community have: someone who achieved so much but never forgot to lift as she climbed. More than a decade ago, she took up her parents’ mantle as leader and pastor of my small congregation. Who better to shepherd me in my spiritual walk than the one who supported my growth into womanhood? So Ro has become Pastor (or P for short!) to me, but the concern, attention, and love are enhanced by this additional layer to our mentoring relationship.

We become so that others become…if more of us truly believed that there is no greater impact than positively affecting another human life every one of our children could say they get to thrive, soar and excel because they had someone nurturing their dreams, because they had a Reverend Ro-Adrienne Davidson.